To Be Full of Yourself

and the pain of under-shining

⭐️ This letter is a ~4 minute read ⭐️

On the flaming chariot that is this Full Moon in Leo rides a daring prayer - to be full of oneself!

I was texting with my astrology bud Meri this morning about the fruits and lessons being kicked up for us at this moment.

For me, this energy shines a light on the gnarly, old rootball in the bedrock of my psyche about the pain of being seen shining.  And the more pressing pain of electing to NOT shine as a protective maneuver. 

The eternal rub with BIG LEO ENERGY - look at me don’t look at me look at me don’t look at me.

It’s the tension of putting yourself out there to share your powerful uniqueness with the world and bearing the risk of being perceived as too INTO your own shit. 

I think a lot of folks, particularly those of us socialized as girls, grew up receiving the message that being ~into~ yourself is a recipe for being shunned by your closest and dearest.  What we now in the wokedy woke era of mental health memes and social media #selfcare discourse describe as ‘self-love’ and ‘self-support’, in my youth at least, gestures of this same ilk would have smacked so hard of being conceited, self-absorbed, and way too FULL OF YOURSELF. 

The expectation was to feign humility.  A lifelong training in self-selected smallness.

Be hot but don’t know it, be smart but don’t use it to your advantage, get thyself mad coin, but not past a certain point and definitely don’t FLAUNT it.

Diminish, shrink, small small small

A friend of mine was telling me last week about her selfie practice as vanity reclamation. To take back that word and invert the notion that people, women especially, shouldn’t be too into their looks. 

I had my own self-reclamation practice last Fall where I would set a timer on my phone for eleven minutes and eleven seconds, and film myself talking–no agenda, no plan, just looking into the camera lens and seeing what came up.  And if that doesn’t sound like enough of a nightmare, part B was to play it back and watch with what I will in this moment call ‘an eye of loving compassion and self-stanning’.

A tool to practice really seeing myself, and allowing the witnessing.  Giving myself permission to 100% take up 11 minutes and 11 seconds of space and stand in that loving heat without withering. 

So here I stand at the portal threshold that is this mega hot shit deluxe Leo Full Moon, asking, what if we were all full of ourselves? Like how bout we take that phrase apart a little bit and examine it in the bright moon’s light.  Let's extract it from its cautionary, controlling overtone, and take it at face value. 

To fill up on yourself. 

On your essence, on the miraculous amalgam of every experience you’ve ever had, braided together to create the realness that is you. This is forreal Leo energy.

BEING ABLE TO BEAR THE BLINDING LIGHT THAT IS YOUR RUFF MAGIC and not collapsing into the old habit of self-effacing, self-diminishment, and self-deprecation just because that’s the comfortable training. 

To be full of yourself, not your ego, not even your personality necessarily, but the essence that is you. Like your love, your consciousness, the miracle of being alive, your truth, your voice, what you stand for, your creative longings…

I WANNA BE FULL ON THAT SAWCE ALL DAY LONG.

I actually read this draft to my mom earlier, heart of my heart and also the woman who first warned me to NOT BE TOO INTO MYSELF,  and she clarified for the record that her admonitions were about ‘not acting like you’re better than other people.’ 

To which I’m like, yes ok now we’re getting somewhere, because what if you’re actually filled up on the essence of who you are so much so that you can hype up others to blast their inner high beams already.

We don’t need to wait around with our little sippy cups held out, tryna fill up on the approvals and likes of the people. 

Leo medicine is like BOOM I BROUGHT MY CHALICE I DRINK THE WINE OF MY OWN BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS I’M LEARNING TO LOVE THE TASTE G’WON GET YOUR CHALICE TOO AND CHEERS ME, MATE.

I learned recently how in the Talmud it’s written that one candle can light an infinite number of candles without diminishing its own light. That’s what I’m talking about. That’s fill up on your light so we can light up each other kind of magic, you know?

Happy Full Moon, dear hearts

May your chalice runneth over 💛

photo: Jamie Hopper